The Deal Of The 14th Century
05/08/20
By Jimmy Pivo
FADE IN
Interior Day
Wawel Castle, Kraków, 14th century.
The press surrounds KING JOHN II CASIMIR in the throne room as he stands in front of a podium. The king wears a red crown with white letters that read “Uczyńmy Rzeczpospolitą Obojga Narodów Znów Wielką!” (“Make the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth Great Again!”). Behind the king are several royal staffers and large tapestries of Poland surrounded by the known world.
NARRATOR
And lo, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special bubonic press conference from King John Two Casimir already in progress...
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
Good morning good morning, thank you all very much, we are closely monitoring the situation and have great certainty that our country will be free from this Mongolian plague by the end of springtime. Great certainty. Yes, you.
Sniffles. Points to reporter with his sceptre.
REPORTER 1
Ludwig Krassgeil, Journal of the Holy Roman Empire. Are Tatar communities being unfairly smeared by calling this a quote Mongolian plague?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
That’s a nasty question. That’s a nasty question from a second-rate Teutonic. You are fake news. Next question.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR points with sceptre to reporter.
REPORTER 2
Jeanne Connard D'Enculé, Aragon Quarterly. How is the peace deal in Jerusalem going?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
We have the greatest peace deal in the history of peace deals.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR sniffles.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
Our crusade will be bigger and better than any before. It’ll be the deal of the 14th century. Lord Kushner, maybe you should have a few words.
Waves to LORD KUSHNER, who takes the podium.
LORD KUSHNER
We have created a framework for the Mamluk Empire to have a better empire. We're going to treat them in a very respectful manner. If they don't take our offer, then they're going to screw up another opportunity like they've screwed up every other opportunity that they've ever had in their existence.
REPORTER 3
Otuz Birci, Byzantine Morning News. Lord Kushner, how long can Kraków feed the people within the walls of the city during lockdown? Will the stockpiles run out?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR throws paper towels into the crowd.
LORD KUSHNER
The notion of the feudal stockpile was it's supposed to be our stockpile; it's not supposed to be peasant stockpiles that they then use.
REPORTER 4
Panenko Svatokopecká, Bohemia Tribune. King John Two Casimir, what responsibility do you bear for the immigrants at the city walls escaping plague from other countries?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR takes podium.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
Excuse me, excuse me, shithole countries. I don’t take responsibility at all. They’re rapists. We’re building a big beautiful totally modern 14th century wall. We have a moat as well. A very beautiful moat. We’re going to make the Golden Horde pay for it.
REPORTER 5
Okocim Kurwa Mać, Warsaw Daily News. What do you make of the reports of low numbers of plague infections in the Kievan Rus?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR smiles.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
Ivan and me go way back. I’ll say this, I don’t know why they would have high numbers. Ivan has done some great things for his people. Great things.
REPORTER 6
Vaffanculo Covfefe, Papal States Courier. When will the economy come back to normal?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
Big news, we will be opening our economy, we will be getting our economy back very soon. I’m appointing Princess Ivanka Kombinatorka as advisor to the principalities. Some principalities are too tough with distancing. And so we have some great people dealing with cabin fever who are expressing their views. Liberate Carpathian Ruthenia!
Many reporters clamor to ask a question.
REPORTER 7
Garbanotos Mintys, Vilna Evening Post-Gazette. When will we have a cure for the plague?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
Great news. We have a great new miracle disinfectant. It’s called Salem, Massachusetts.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR draws a line on a tapestry with a sharpie.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
It’s a total witch-hunt. Everyone who wants a witch-burning gets a witch-burning. Witchcraft has been a disaster for our nation. Copernicus, tell them.
COPERNICUS stands up by the podium, KING JOHN II CASIMIR stares at the sun through the window.
COPERNICUS
I must say that this is an untested treatment, witch-hunts haven’t been tested in clinical trials.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR looks away from the sun in a daze and crosses his arms.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
You don’t think a strong witch-burning would do it?
COPERNICUS
Witchcraft itself has not been proven to be the cause of the bubonic plague.
REPORTER 8
Aren’t witch-burnings violent and hateful affairs?
KING JOHN II CASIMIR takes the podium, pulls out a script from his pocket and reads it.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
We condemn in the strongest possible terms egregious displays of hatred, bigotry and violence... On many sides, on many sides.
REPORTER 9
When will this plague end?
KING sniffles.
KING JOHN II CASIMIR
No one knows more about plagues than me. Nobody.
FADE OUT