RELEASE: Hacia La Luz
08/06/20
By Karlos Ramírez
2020 has been a year of change. A year that has forced us to step into our light and where evil keeps falling more into the darkness. Like with many humans across the world, quarantine enforcements provided me with the space to go further within to transmute that darkness into light. Before COVID-19 hit, I was entrapped and about to tie the knot. An engagement that was built upon trauma bonds and codependency. ‘Please don’t ever leave me’ is not a form of saying ‘I love you.’ It’s emotional manipulation at its finest. It is not genuine love.
So, why was I still there? Could my love for this person heal years of PTSD and unhealed childhood wounds? Could my love for him help him break away from his darkness? I found out that no, it couldn't.
Love is not pain, and I was engulfed in all of his. Pushing through didn’t make anything better. It didn’t make us stronger. It only fed the ego of his being and the darkness he always carried with him.
Karlos Allonsy, Trauma Bonds, from the series RELEASE, charcoal, ink, and watercolor, 2020.
At some point, instead, I chose myself. I chose my well being, my happiness, my safety… my emotional and mental stability, my LIFE. So I left.
I found refuge with my family, amidst the tumultuous separation. A separation that resulted violent - with my belongings trashed: clothes, documents, and five years of portfolio artwork!
That was artwork that helped me release my darkness. Artwork that I was incredibly proud of… gone, forever. Unlearning what I thought was a relationship was one thing, having my work thrown away like it meant nothing was a sting I couldn’t shake off.
Was I that disposable? No! Disposable for his ego? Who cares?! I was treated dimly throughout our engagement, so honestly, I was not even surprised this happened, just appalled at the level of disrespect and immaturity that it showed. Perhaps it was the universe showing me the truth of it all. The darkness that was always there. A darkness that was not mine.
Karlos Allonsy, Basura, from the series RELEASE, charcoal, ink, and watercolor, 2020.
With COVID orders in full effect, I had more than enough time to keep healing this wound. To keep unlearning, and recognizing the worth of who I am in this world and my artwork! Diving deeper into meditation and spirituality, I was able to continuously release his darkness and to cut the dark, murky cords of codependency. My progress into my light did and still amazes me.
Having the time to continuously heal allowed me to process my friend Christina’s passing during quarantine. Saying goodbye to a friend is never easy, especially when it comes unexpectedly. I am grateful to have been out of that abusive relationship by the time I needed to allow myself to say goodbye to a dear friend. Thank you, Christina, for giving me the strength to leave the dark situation I was in, and thank you for giving me strength to push forward!
Karlos Allonsy, Release, from the series RELEASE, charcoal, ink, and watercolor, 2020.
Being able to step into my light, honoring and loving myself, provided me with the right path to manifest work that makes my soul glow! As I attuned more to my intuition, I found my heart once again with Yollocalli Arts Reach. The amazing staff of Yollo have always believed in me and my work, even when I didn’t. During shutdown, they offered me an amazing opportunity to work remotely, doing what I love, for the people and communities that I care for and am part of.
As I continue this remote job, I realize there is still more to release. And I still release, but the release is no longer a looming pain in my soul. The release now comes as positive lessons and is channeled into creating new artwork. Artwork that I know matters to me, and that matters to and impacts the communities I cherish. Stepping into my light and letting go has allowed me to seize this amazing opportunity, along with my first solo mural project! Painting murals is now an art practice that I love deeply and am excited to continue doing. These are all amazing things that I could have not accomplished if I was still in the dark situation where I began quarantine. If I hadn't released and stepped into the light.
I released. I release. I am free.
Karlos Ramírez is an abstract visual artist, youth care worker, and muralist. In his art practice, under the name Karlos Allonsy, he focuses on emotional release and social issues, uplifting queer identities and latino immigrant communities. Currently he is a participant of the Journalism and Radio Production Internship at Yollocalli Arts Reach, and he is producing his first solo mural project, ‘En Camino a Casa’.
Karlos is on Instagram @karlosallonsy.
Karlos Ramírez worked on this piece as part of Yollocalli Arts Reach Journalism, Storytelling and Radio Internship Program.